Messing with optimists
"I kept buying, hoping you’d bounce back." "Did I?" the market asked. "No, you didn’t. You just kept falling. I ran out of money." "Aw, you poor thing. All tapped out?" the market teased. "And then you fell even
"I kept buying, hoping you’d bounce back." "Did I?" the market asked. "No, you didn’t. You just kept falling. I ran out of money." "Aw, you poor thing. All tapped out?" the market teased. "And then you fell even
“Please admit me, else my insurance won’t cover it.” “Ma’am, you have a sprained ankle.” “Well, can you at least make it worse so they’ll cover it?”
"You're going to be amazing," he told his eldest, handing over a stack of books. "You'll achieve what I never could." His eldest nodded dutifully, handing the same stack to his own child. "You're going to be amazing,"
"Wasn't there something I promised to do?" he wondered, losing himself in a funny cat video. Ah, yes, those grand promises from his last encounter with the common cold—eat clean, work out, live intentionally. Clearly, his resolve dried up as soon as his nose did.
"This is it—wait, what? Is that the end?" "No way, they can't leave it like this!" "I need to see the ending!" "I'll pay more, just show me the ending!" The TV spoke back, "How much
"Sell everything! This is it!" he shouted, trembling. "Seriously? Over 2%? You said-" "I know what I said! This is the big one!" "But you were all about long-term stability-" "Screw stability! I’m not losing everything!"
"Well, I want a baby. But not the whole pregnancy, sleepless nights, and toddler tantrums." "Exactly, let’s just skip to the part where they're all grown up and self-sufficient." "Perfect! Maybe they can even do our taxes. And cook dinner." "
"Here's your raise," he said, beaming. "Thanks! This is great! Wait a second... why is hers more?" "You're happy with yours, right?" "Ugh, no! If hers is more, I’m absolutely unhappy."
"They're Birks." "What's a Birks?" "Prepare your jaw because I'm about to swing, you blasphemous bitch."
"Flowers? For me? How sweet!" Minutes passed. They exchanged glances. "So... now what? Do we just let them die?" "Pretty much."
"Thanks for the gift! Honestly, I'd never have bought it myself." "You don't like it?" "It's not that. I'm glad you got it, actually." "Why?" "Because I now have solid proof of why
Exhibit A: "This product is amazing! It’s brilliantly designed, super easy to use, and has completely changed my daily routine. I can't believe I ever lived without it!" Exhibit B: "This piece of crap is the dumbest thing I've ever bought. It&
“Appetite loss and weight loss could indicate thyroid issues or early diabetes. Muscle pain and weakness, maybe fibromyalgia. Mood swings and irritability, likely related to adrenal fatigue. Might need extensive blood work, hormone panels, and perhaps even an MRI to rule out serious conditions.” The doctor blinked. “Uh, I’ll
He leaned in, “You know, accepting criticism is a very important skill.” His colleague nodded. “Well, in that case, your presentation could use some tightening, and your data analysis seems off.” He snapped, “Screw you, bitch.”
The clock struck 12:01 PM, signaling the start of his feeding window. He grabbed chips, sandwiches, fruits, and leftovers. It felt like his last meal. His eyes were wide, his hands quick, barely thinking. By 12:30, he leaned back, surrounded by empty plates, whispering to himself, “I’m
"That's the pitch. Interested?" "I’ll act like I’m considering it, but it’s a firm no." "Cool, cool. I'll act upbeat while my heart shatters." "Please keep me posted on your demise; it will validate my hunch
"Can you believe they expect us to work on weekends now?" "It's ridiculous! I already don't have time to breathe during the week." "And those meetings? Absolutely pointless." "Don't even get me started on the new guy.
"You ate a whole pizza?" "Yeah, but I'll walk 50K steps tomorrow." "Why not eat in moderation so you don’t have to?" "That thought honestly never crossed my mind."
"You're really amazing." "Uh, thanks." "Seriously, you always know just what to do." "Oh, please stop it. It's nothing." "Okay." "No, I was kidding! Please, keep going."
"More money, more stress," he said, shaking his head. "And less time for yourself," she added. "Exactly, it's a scam. Just a shiny title to keep us grinding." "And you still want it." "Absolutely."
"Why is he struggling again?" "Because he has to grow, to overcome." "But he just did that last chapter!" "He needs more challenges to become a true hero." "Stop making him suffer. Just let him win already!" "Fine. He
"There are dozens of people here, the odds are in my favor. I won't be noticed. I'll also make myself small, they won't even know I'm here." The speaker scanned past him. "Almost there, just a few more moments
“Look at that concentration,” he said, smiling proudly. “You can tell there’s a brilliant mind at work.” “Absolutely,” she agreed, watching as their prodigy took another enthusiastic bite of mud. “A true genius always starts young.”
“Hey, I need to talk.” “Can’t, swamped. Got that report due end of the week, and I’m way behind. There’s this client breathing down my neck, and don’t even get me started on the review. Seriously, I’m drowning in deadlines, back-to-back meetings, and a mountain
"How do you manage without a personal chef?" he asked, genuinely perplexed. She blinked. "I cook my own meals." "But...how do you get the ingredients? You must have a grocery shopper, right?" She stifled a laugh. "I go to the store myself.
He sat across from his accountant as she began, "Let's review last month's expenses.” "Coffee, $60. Lunches, $150. Streaming, $30." "Okay," he nodded. "Dinners out, $200. Gym, $50. Miscellaneous, $100." "Alright." "Your total is $14,230.
“Hi there! Just reaching out to see how you’re doing.” “Fine, thanks. What are you selling?” “Why would you presume I’m selling something?” he asked. “Well, why did you reach out then?” “Just thought you might be interested in improving your lead generation. Have you considered—”
"Just dive in, man." "But it's freezing!" he protested. "The moment my toe touches the water, the cold will strike like a blizzard. Instantly, my body will start freezing, bit by bit. I'll try to breathe, but the shock will be
"Dude, have you seen this new AI? It's incredible!" she said, eyes wide with excitement. "Seriously? I told you about it ages ago," he replied. "You didn't care back then." "It can do everything!" she continued. He rolled
“We need everyone to put in extra hours this week. And don’t forget, we’ve got that big project over the weekend. We’re a family here, and families make sacrifices.” They started backing away as he continued, “Don’t you back away. You don’t back away from
“It has to be perfect,” he thought, staring at the screen. "First name, last name." System replied, "Already taken." "First name." System said, "I appreciate your optimism, but it was taken before you were born." "First name2." System replied, "
They turned the faucet, watching steam rise. "They actually have hot water?" Next, they pressed the bed, feeling the warmth spread. "And a cozy bed?" Their eyes widened as they inspected the room. "Everything is clean?" "Damn. It's just like home.