Messing with optimists
"I kept buying, hoping you’d bounce back." "Did I?" the market asked. "No, you didn’t. You just kept falling. I ran out of money." "Aw, you poor thing. All tapped out?" the market teased. "And then you fell even
"I kept buying, hoping you’d bounce back." "Did I?" the market asked. "No, you didn’t. You just kept falling. I ran out of money." "Aw, you poor thing. All tapped out?" the market teased. "And then you fell even
“Please admit me, else my insurance won’t cover it.” “Ma’am, you have a sprained ankle.” “Well, can you at least make it worse so they’ll cover it?”
"You're going to be amazing," he told his eldest, handing over a stack of books. "You'll achieve what I never could." His eldest nodded dutifully, handing the same stack to his own child. "You're going to be amazing,"
"Wasn't there something I promised to do?" he wondered, losing himself in a funny cat video. Ah, yes, those grand promises from his last encounter with the common cold—eat clean, work out, live intentionally. Clearly, his resolve dried up as soon as his nose did.
"This is it—wait, what? Is that the end?" "No way, they can't leave it like this!" "I need to see the ending!" "I'll pay more, just show me the ending!" The TV spoke back, "How much
"Sell everything! This is it!" he shouted, trembling. "Seriously? Over 2%? You said-" "I know what I said! This is the big one!" "But you were all about long-term stability-" "Screw stability! I’m not losing everything!"
"Well, I want a baby. But not the whole pregnancy, sleepless nights, and toddler tantrums." "Exactly, let’s just skip to the part where they're all grown up and self-sufficient." "Perfect! Maybe they can even do our taxes. And cook dinner." "
"Here's your raise," he said, beaming. "Thanks! This is great! Wait a second... why is hers more?" "You're happy with yours, right?" "Ugh, no! If hers is more, I’m absolutely unhappy."
"They're Birks." "What's a Birks?" "Prepare your jaw because I'm about to swing, you blasphemous bitch."
"Flowers? For me? How sweet!" Minutes passed. They exchanged glances. "So... now what? Do we just let them die?" "Pretty much."
"Thanks for the gift! Honestly, I'd never have bought it myself." "You don't like it?" "It's not that. I'm glad you got it, actually." "Why?" "Because I now have solid proof of why
Exhibit A: "This product is amazing! It’s brilliantly designed, super easy to use, and has completely changed my daily routine. I can't believe I ever lived without it!" Exhibit B: "This piece of crap is the dumbest thing I've ever bought. It&
“Appetite loss and weight loss could indicate thyroid issues or early diabetes. Muscle pain and weakness, maybe fibromyalgia. Mood swings and irritability, likely related to adrenal fatigue. Might need extensive blood work, hormone panels, and perhaps even an MRI to rule out serious conditions.” The doctor blinked. “Uh, I’ll
He leaned in, “You know, accepting criticism is a very important skill.” His colleague nodded. “Well, in that case, your presentation could use some tightening, and your data analysis seems off.” He snapped, “Screw you, bitch.”
The clock struck 12:01 PM, signaling the start of his feeding window. He grabbed chips, sandwiches, fruits, and leftovers. It felt like his last meal. His eyes were wide, his hands quick, barely thinking. By 12:30, he leaned back, surrounded by empty plates, whispering to himself, “I’m
"That's the pitch. Interested?" "I’ll act like I’m considering it, but it’s a firm no." "Cool, cool. I'll act upbeat while my heart shatters." "Please keep me posted on your demise; it will validate my hunch